


Unsettled

by NovaBomb



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark Past, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Medical Trauma, Minor Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Sexual Humor, Tragic Romance, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-05-19 18:07:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5976265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NovaBomb/pseuds/NovaBomb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six years of separation brought to an end by a life's unfair cycle. Levi doesn't know you're back in town until you show up to help his famed criminal Uncle, unannounced. He can't figure out why you're back in ties with a life you pushed so hard to escape or why you came back to town in the first place, but he won't give you a reason why he left you in your last year of college. All you know is Farlan's accident set off his absence and he never stopped to tell you the whole story. With all this unresolved tension and Kenny pulling the strings like a puppet-master you're stuck dealing with a man who broke your heart and friends you'd written off as dead. Breaking free from Kenny is the only way to escape, but is it even worth it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wounded

Golden lights twinkled overhead as lightly animated chatter imbued the warm summer night and it seemed nearly everyone in the city had taken advantage of the perfect weather. Around this time a sweltering heat often boiled the city's skin and kept people inside beneath spinning fan blades or deep in the chilled ocean water, but tonight a feather light wind rolled over the gold coast and cast shadowed grey clouds over the setting sun. Music played softly from the live five piece band set up at the end of the pier, their luscious jazz music belting from the brass at their lips created a symphonic rhythm in people's hearts and roused them to dance with their loved ones. All the right things had fallen into place and the high cut of your skirt created a masked interest in finding yourself between his sheets--what was his name again?

"Then after med school I started my internship at.."

_[His name was Marco wasn't it?]_

You raised your eyes from your lipstick stained wineglass to watch the shine of his espresso brown hues light up in excitement as he talked about his internship. Tiny freckles mimicking the pattern of the cosmos dusted his high cheekbones as he spoke, he was the kind of man with a contagious laugh that echoed with the sweetness of honey but your eyes found themselves wandering to the faces of those dancing beneath halcyon lights. As radiant as the sun they twirled in unison, limbs wrapped tightly around one another to the soft beat flowing against the breeze. Happiness, you noted, was a well rounded theme in tonight's affairs and it was hard not to feel lifted by the suffocating bliss. Marco spun his finger along the rim of his water glass with his lips twisted upwards even in the silence brought on by your wandering view.

"I'm sorry Marco, the dancing was just a bit distracting."

"Do you want to join?"

You felt your own smile broaden with empty meaning, and you watched Marco's eyes widen in adoration and innocence. His inability to read between the lines left him open for fire, but your intentions were not to injure, he was a comfortable body meant for an unfiltered night of distractions. He was a kind man and a gentle doctor who performed well under pressure despite his timid appearance, but truthfully if he hadn't been a fumbling mess when he'd asked for your company you would have rejected his advances. His smile could stop a thunderstorm mid strike, but you were a calming tide hiding all your darkest secrets beneath gentle waves of azure and gold.

"I'm not very light on my feet, I'd embarrass the both of us. You said you turned down a residential position at Saint Rose, why was that?"

"I fell in love with this city, I did my internship here as I said but there was something..magnificent about this area that just pulled me in."

Biting your tongue was not a strong weapon in your arsenal but the end goal was far more favorable than debating the vibrant calling of this sea side anomaly. There was a pattern among people, those who were born always wanted out yet when groves of people entered the city on business they wound up replacing those who fled their native land. Or maybe it was just those you knew who clawed their way out of the city's hands while other people leading cleaner lives stayed complacent with their surroundings. Despite a brave and successful fight you'd been pulled back by your hair for a singular purpose brought on by a cascading waterfall of bad luck. With a sigh you slipped your fingers within each other and stacked your chin atop your enclosed hands. A slight head tilt blew his pupils twice their normal size as he cleared his throat to speak.

_[Simple boys want all the simple things]_

"I heard you're from here right? Did you come back for family?"

"Something like that yeah."

It was hard to ignore the constant fidget in your ankles. Crossed, uncrossed, straying beneath the table to his shin bone, recoiling back like a scared cat. That six letter word held a multifarious amount of meaning, more than one could ever hope for or run away from in a lifetime. Twitching under stress was an unfortunate reaction but if you played the part right you could pass it off as lustrous intrigue. Keeping your eyes centered on his curious ones you slid the tip of your shoe around his ankle, sneakily grasping his attention away from the clear question idling on his tongue. Reading people came with your shared employment but learning to manipulate in silence was a trait you'd picked up quickly from the company you used to keep. Marco's question would have been innocent but it would delve far deeper than he needed to go, so you smiled like pretty girls should and ran your teeth over your bottom lip to bring attention to your exaggerated pout.

Lying was always an option if he found himself unaffected by your juvenile touches, and at this point truth held little structure anymore, it was like blurred ink on wet paper every time you spoke. God did you loathe the upkeep of entangled bullshit that followed you each time you spun your web wider and wider. Personal questions came standard with dates, everyone knows this, yet you agreed anyways. On your part, assuming he'd just bring you to bed was an overestimation of his nature, but this overzealous behavior was better than shrouding him in dishonesty. Settling yourself in for the kill you raised your heel up his pant leg as sensually as possible. His adams apple dipped low while your heel rose higher like a weighted scale. A loud vibration abruptly clattered against the table, shattering the heated veil you pushed so hard to create. With an apologetic smile you unclasped the gold snap on your purse and dug your fingers through the mess inside until you felt the thin cold vibration against your fingertips.

A quick glance from the corner of your eye spelled out trouble in several missed text messages and even more missed calls. This evening was ending terribly and the night had just begun. Marco was overly understanding about your sudden exit, but you didn't miss the concerned wrinkle gathering in the depth of his brows. Lies rolled off your tongue like vapor, full of honey-silken words that would leave any man beaming with the thought of a second chance. Sour in taste but fresh in creativity, and they left Marco out of harms way. A good deed to outline the night of discreet transgressions that lay ahead of you.

A bitter air undulated from the sea water splashing against the pier as you padded down the steps towards your car. Your fingers curled against the door handle roughly as you glanced at your reflection through the window. You'd aged since you'd seen him, but the way your body grew was not in the least unflattering. Scars from the past had healed to the point of dispersing, even when you brushed your fingertips against the side of your cheek the skin previously marred had retained the softness of a cloud. Tapping your heel against the asphalt you yanked the car door open and plopped down into the driver's seat with a scrunched nose. His scent forever lingered in the threads of your cushions no matter how hard you scrubbed. It followed you like a starving dog, poking and prodding you until you wanted to scream.

The engine rumbled to life as you shot off into the main road, fingers drumming harshly against the leather wheel. Music blasted from your speakers until you could barely hear yourself think, but that's what you'd been aiming for. This encounter you'd replayed over and over in your head was about to unfold beneath the worst possible circumstances. Regardless of how rounded it made people seem, self awareness was a double edged sword that never gave you time to recover from the initial blow. Spending hours reliving imagined scenarios became a useless weakness that only kept you rooted in the past, and in time you'd learned to let imagined conversations fade into white noise. Forward was the only way to go and once that realization struck you it took very little soul searching to figure out how to free yourself from history's quicksand.

_[Let him go]_

Three little words like knives pounding into your stomach, but they broke the melancholy fog in half. Being secluded with your own private thoughts used to drive you insane, the very notion of having to roll out your deepest fears set your stomach on fire, but now you were closer to your anxious thoughts than any human in existence. Building steel from ashes was best done with a fresh heart and strong hands, and after so many times you started to believe the lies you fed yourself just to get up in the mornings. Had there been a direct path carved out by the both of you this dance between demons would be less agonizing, but the fate of humans in ties with the dark are not left to angels. Right and wrong mattered little to either of you, and at this point it just needed to be over. Far too much time had been spent hammering out unnecessary details that got lost in the wind, but its hard to keep track of particulars when the wind blows against itself.

_[I am made of steel]_

Hardening your grip on the leather wheel you attempted to find solace within yourself as streetlamps faded into cosmic strips of gold zipping by your window down the stretch of highway. Jumping in headfirst with your anxiety crippling your needed actions would pan out terribly for all involved, and even the thought of being in the same room as him exhausted you. You needed to get a hold of yourself before it all came tumbling down. With an uneven exhale you focused on fixing your posture first, and as the bones in your spine aligned with the seat you felt the strain in your muscles die down like steam rolling out from a covered pot of boiling water. A soothing feeling brushed across your body and settled your stomach until you felt nothing but comfortable emptiness. No fear, no anger, nothing.

Tugging the wheel of your car you coasted across the emptied lanes and down the exit ramp. Vibrant high-rise buildings blinked in your rear view as you turned left into a massive suburban complex inhabited only by the profitable and powerful. The development was filled with massive houses fit for royalty in tight little circles, far enough away to include a pool but close enough to spy and gossip without needing to leave your backyard. Royal purple combed itself through the tangerine sun falling low behind the houses, a cloudless night awaited quiet suburbia heaven. Slowing to an acceptable speed you glided up towards the front gate blocking the single entrance, spiraled iron painted white served as the barrier between the inevitable end to a wild road.

A vision you'd always held for yourself was now being shoved in your face like some fucked up cosmic joke, how he had managed to create such an elaborate rouse of social grace and class baffled you more than his ability to slide under the eyes of the law. You waved at the security guard as you passed through the gate that held out the most 'unpleasant of creatures' as the man in the tiny booth put it. Naivety played such a grand part in the hiding of secrets that it was nearly laughable out of all the places in the world yours was held upon a golden pedestal surrounded by imported grass and undocumented house cleaners. Your tires squeaked loudly against the newly laid asphalt, even the ground was trying to stop you from pushing further into the heavenly sanctuary that was Rose Crest Manor.

Parking your car behind a line of freshly washed German imports you sighed heavily and rubbed the palms of your hands over your eyes. Exhaustion had come as swift as an eagle, and like most things it arrived at a terrible moment. You needed to move but you knew as soon as you stepped out of the car your entire world would shift, or worse. When unions dissolve under the weight of life there's always an assumption of built up resentment and tension that when melded together could snap hard enough to crack the earth, but that only holds true if both people continue holding on. In an attempt to remain sturdy in the midst of a storm you'd chosen to finally let go completely and without regret. As much as you wished it stopped the lump forming in your throat and rapid increase of your heart rate it was the only solution you could decide on. Letting go of him was, in turn, letting go of yourself. Past, present, and possibly future, it all went out the window leaving you stripped and bare. But, it left an empty canvas waiting to be painted new with brighter colors and drops of happiness. How sturdy this new vision of yourself was would all depend on the next few hours and his level of attention to your presence.

_[Go inside, you're turning to brass.]_

Your heels clapped stiffly against the sidewalk as you balanced the heavy medical bag wrapped around your shoulder. Sliding your fingers beneath the strap you adjusted the weight onto your hip to allow your back to remain ramrod straight. Implanted cobblestone sloped upwards towards the colossal door, even the simplistic wood had an embellished aura wavering off it. Winding your fingers tighter around the leather strap at your shoulder your tilted your head upwards towards the arched window hovering above the door frame and gave the hidden camera an annoyed wave. Cogs behind the bullet proof door clicked and churned until it popped open revealing a sliver of light between the frame. Bright, curious eyes met your own expanded ones as the door swung open quickly. Your heart shot up into your throat as Farlan's eyes popped beneath the massive chandelier hanging in the foyer behind him. Wordlessly he stepped to the side allowing you entrance to the modern fortress.

"We need to talk."

"Later."

His words punctured straight through your stomach but your composure had reached a new level since he'd last seen you. His face mirrored your look of indifference as he spun on his heels and motioned you to follow him with his hand. Readjusting the bag on your hip you walked straight behind him towards the back of the house. Dim lighting beat softly against the white-washed walls, barely any color popped save for the glimmering stainless steal from the kitchen. The rhythm of your heels against the chocolate hued wood floors reverberated nosily against the emptiness of the room but Farlan held his tongue. Rather than spit a sarcastic remark about your weighed steps his eyes barely glanced over his shoulder, as if you were a stranger following him down a dark ally. Fine leather brushed against your fingertips as you stepped down into the sunken den and coasted behind the white couch decorated with midnight colored pillows. A modernized stone fireplace sat against the single wall without floor to ceiling windows and within it burned dark coals the color of onyx as tangerine flames capered over the top.

_[ How things have changed..]_

Every swallow felt like a lump of dirt had lodged in your throat despite your active resistance towards the bubbling feelings of misery. Making peace with unrequited feelings was like giving someone the thumbs up as they continuously beat you with a tire iron, not enough to kill you but damn well enough to sting. Even if the entire reason of your existence in this very moment barred no meaning nor interest in him it felt as though you were walking straight into a gun fight armed with a balloon. The math was simple, if Farlan was here then so was everyone else. No warnings, no cautions, you'd been lured straight into the lion's mouth like a seasoned steak. But if you ran you'd slide him the victory with your arms tied behind your back and that was unacceptable. Loosing was not an option, moreover you'd banned that feeling entirely from the moment you chose to stray from the ways of your adolescent life.

Farlan had sensed something amiss, perhaps the connection was still there but it was just buried under years of shit. Possibly, but it was a known fact tension could be felt from across a room and there was no denying it was surrounding you like a cyclone. His hands lingered at his sides as he led you down a small corridor towards the end of the house. Coarse lighting shot from an open door near the end of the hallway, its gilded shine lighting up a strip of dark flooring peppered with fresh blood. Curiosity tickled the edge of your tongue at its presence, there was no way in hell he'd changed that much. Lightly stepping over the forgotten dots of crimson you edged your way through the entry way, stopping briefly to look inward at the scene at hand.

The scent of blood, sweat, and whiskey weighed heavily in the recycled air of the room, it stained the walls with an intrusive urgency that could only be met by the skill of your hands. Despite the lingering scent of sterilized metal you couldn't help but feel dirty the moment you stepped through the doorway. It was a mixture of undesirable nostalgia and skull shattering vehemence so fierce your fingers involuntarily clenched until your nails dug into your palms. Heads swung around in unison as you took another step and placed your medical bag down on an empty chair to your left, two faces you'd never seen before, two you had, and one you'd seen in your dreams until they became unbearable nightmares.

"What happened?"

_[Breathe..]_

Your question was met with disturbed silence until a shriek of your name cracked through the building tension. Isabel's forest green eyes sparked like a wildfire as if all was forgotten, but for her you'd be able to forget, just for a minute. Her warm embrace felt too good to be true, it was intoxicating and highly addicting as always. Her arms could melt away the strongest of fears and misery unlike any other, she was a cherished companion caught within the crossfire and it nearly killed you when she chose sides. After a few minutes you pried her arms off you and glanced down at the dirty, bloody mess lying in front of you with his bare ass in the air. Kenny's sunken eyes were glossed red with pain and liquor but he his teeth bore a shit-eating grin that generally meant his trap had gone according to plan, however, it was hard to decipher if the assumable bullet wound in the ass was part of his plot.

Crinkling your nose you reached for your bag and yanked the zipper open while the blinding feeling of being cornered edged its way up your spine. His shadow moved fractionally as you shifted through your things until you ripped open a box of fresh gloves. Hastily you slid on the blue material down to your wrists and pointed haphazardly towards a bedside table. An orange haired girl with a protective stance moved towards the table almost immediately, but once her arms crossed over her chest you had an inkling she was not entirely happy about your arrival.

_[Don't start with me..]_

"What do you need with this table. What kind of doctor are you? How do we know we can trust you?"

Her lip curled upward as she spoke, nervous tic or something, bothersome. Ignoring her for the moment you eyed Kenny who had his cheek pressed against the cherry stained bed sheet with his pale ass hovering in the air while a kid with a sour face kept his finger shoved in the open wound. Time was quickly running out and from the amount of blood staining the previously white sheets they hadn't been able to do much on their own. Flicking your eyes back at the outspoken redhead you steadied your irritation before it unraveled to the point of being uncontrollable.

_[Balance. Nerves of steel not glass]_

"Are you a doctor?"

Her brows rows at the sudden lash of your tongue yet her stance didn't falter, in fact the discreet change in her stiffness only solidified her need for dominance came from her lack of knowledge. This situation was entirely out of hand and she had a strong urge to protect everyone in the room. You understood it, it was once your role, now you hated her for it.

"No I-"

"Then shut up, don't question me and bring me the table so I can set my instruments down."

"Just do it Petra."

Levi's voice knocked into you with fierceness of an arrow lit on fire. He stood next to the empty chair previously occupied by Isabel with his arms crossed over his chest. If you got caught between those tempest storms beneath his slanted brows you'd never find your way out again. Rolling your tongue against the roof of your mouth you centered your attention back onto Kenny who was looking once more like a child who just got away with stealing a cookie from atop the fridge. Narrowing your eyes at his widened ones you walked towards him and peered at his wound. Right beneath his left ass cheek, deep and gaping. Wonderful. The only blaring detail that served as good news was the entrance wound did not fray the skin and it had been thoroughly cleaned before the gauze was applied which saved you a step, and the need to swipe antibiotics from the hospital.

"How in the hell did you get shot in the ass? And why, god why did it have to be your ass."

"Nice to see you too ____. You're looking all hot for me, did I pull you away from a date?"

"Kenny why the fuck do you have a slug in your god damn ass."

"I may have gotten caught by my girlfriend doing something...she wasn't fond of."

"He means her sister."

There was not an emotion heavy enough to describe the way you felt after those words popped from Isabel's sardonic mouth. Amusement, anger, outright enjoyment, it all swirled in your chest as you finished placing your tools on the table. Isabel hovered around you like a inquisitive kitten, unwilling to give you an inch of space, like you'd sink into the floor if she took her eyes off you for one second. Stones dropped in your chest and sunk your stomach, missing something so radiantly heartbreaking was a hard task, but in the midst of all the unfolding drama you found it electrifying. These past few years had left you drifting in a void of sunken emotions, string-less and shallow, only able to focus on perfecting the world of medicine. What was once seen as a passable form of happiness had morphed into distinct melancholy. The simple act of her being by your side opened up an entire new set of problems, but they'd have to rest on the back burner for now.

Raking your eyes over the colorless splotch of open skin you instructed the unnamed human dam to hold his finger steady until you signaled him otherwise. Hooking your stethoscope around your neck you gently ran your finger along Kenny's upper thigh until a stable vibration knocked against the pads of your fingers. A hiss whistled through his clenched teeth as you pressed the cold metal of your stethoscope onto his thigh. Nameless finger-in-the-ass guy opened is mouth but you quickly hushed him with a glare you'd learned your first year of residency. The thrum of Kenny's heartbeat echoed in your ears, strong and consistent. Copying your precise movements on his other leg you exhaled quietly as the pulses matched in rhythm and strength. Sliding the metal around your neck you glanced up for a better source of light in time to meet Levi's unwavering stare. His lithesome fingers had already encircled the nape of a small metal lamp so the light would shine directly on Kenny's injury.

"Can I take my finger out of his ass now?"

"Quiet Oluo."

[His voice is like a train crash..]

"Just a minute, I need to know what he took before a bullet hit his ass."

"Babydoll I haven't done shit in years, I'm not on anything so go ahead and inject me with the strongest painkiller you got."

"Viagra or Ciallis?"

"Girl you know I don't take anything like that."

"Kenny you're a hundred years old and your dick is rock hard while you're bleeding from your ass. I know people get kinky but nobody keeps an erection after that much pain without a stimulant."

"Its genetics sweetheart, you should remember."

An ice cold shiver tapered down your body the same moment it felt like your stomach flipped upside down and dropped to the floor. Levi's lip visibly twitched as soon as Farlan and Isabel's joint laughter belted across the room. Another flutter of sentimentality, another reminder of old pillars that held you up so high. It was like hovering over the old and new, a synthetic limbo you couldn't escape from. From the corner of your eye you watched the contours of Levi's face change as quietly as the seasons, he was holding in a simper of a laugh. Realistically it wasn't the least bit surprising, it wasn't uncommon for Farlan or Isabel to tease you about your sex life, previous sex life. Unfair as it was to bring up a momentary blip of warming memories it reminded you that this was Kenny and it took nothing short of verbal poison to get your point across to him. Jutting your hip out you tapped your foot against the floor until his reddened eyes shut and his face morphed into a mirthless frown. Raising your brow you shrugged your shoulders and turned towards the chair, flinging off your gloves in the process.

"Look if I give you something and it mixes wrong you'll probably die. I don't have enough shit here to crack your chest or do anything drastic. Your obituary will say you died from a heart attack but we'll all know the real story. The great Kenny Ackerman, leader of the biggest criminal network spanning four districts was taken out by a boner pill and a bullet to the ass."

"There's that little smart ass. I was afraid all those brainy nerds sucked all the fun out of you."

"Kenny."

"Viagra."

Cocking your head to the side you smiled widely and pulled out a massive white jar. Spinning the lid you met Kenny's astonished gaze with your own amused smirk as you palmed a decent amount of cream on your hands.

"All I have is topical, I just wanted you to admit you take ED medication. You might want to drink more whiskey since I'm about to stick my hand up your ass."

Farlan's heavy laughter filled the room for a second time, even Oluo had to hold his free hand over his mouth as you rubbed the white lotion around the wound. Kenny bit the pillow beneath his head while you spread the cream to ensure he would only feel the smallest amount of pain possible. Pulling a new pair of gloves on you grabbed a small needle and pricked several spots along his leg. His leg jolted after each poke and his sailor mouth response added to your hidden relief. The damage was minimal which meant you didn't have to perform a risky back-alley style surgery with minimal tools and a bottle of whiskey.

"On three. One..two.."

Whether it was nerves or his inability to count Oluo jerked his finger out of the wound faster than you could counter. Blood seeped from his wound as you fumbled to strip a fresh patch of gauze from the entangled roll. Biting at the side of your cheek you glanced over your shoulder at Oluo who had slumped on the floor drained of all color.

_[Clearly made of paper..]_

"Hey, snotty orange haired one get me the god damn whiskey bottle. And ____, well I'm glad you look all nice in that tiny little skirt but I'd always imagined this situation would be reversed with me using my hands an-FUCK!"

Disinclined to hear the rest of Kenny's perverted musings you wedged your finger between the cleanly broken skin and began pressing gently on the tissue of his thigh. His sullied hands squeezed the sheets as Isabel haughtily swiped the bottle from Petra's flimsy hands and begun tipping the brown liquid down Kenny's throat between his gritted shouts and colorful swears. Running your finger feather-light over the inside of his thigh you searched adamantly for the bullet lodged between his tissue. After a few minutes a cold bump caressed the tip of your finger, another lucky strike against Kenny's piling karma. A .22 bullet, tiny and lamb like compared to the damage you'd seen caused by larger bullets, and it had already pushed itself halfway out of the tissue. Coaxing your finger from his wound you exhaled heavily before turning towards Farlan who'd been hovering opposite of you as you worked.

"Tiny bullet, minimal damage. The entrance wound is clean and I'm going to leave the bullet in."

"Is that safe?"

"Yes Farlan, believe it or not I'm not intentionally trying to injure this lovely flower of a person. Its safer to leave it in and let it push itself to the surface then I can remove it. Or his body will wall it off and he'll have a souvenir from his inability to keep his dick in line. Use this antibiotic ointment with dry gauze and change it twice a day, let the entry wound heal on its own. No staples, no sutures, I swear to god if I have to come back because he tried to staple it shut I'll blow a third hole in his ass."

Farlan's eyes spoke in a magnitude of kindness you'd often missed seeing on a daily basis. Unlike Levi, Farlan's quick-witted tongue bode him well with women and it wasn't often he generated thankful words out loud. His ocean blue eyes could lure a siren to her death, but today those soft wash eyes were pools of adoration and atonement. With a nod you began packing your things while you ignored the placid chatter coming from the now filled corner. Both Petra and Oluo had already circled Levi like starving vultures but it left your getaway wide open. Slinging the bag over your shoulder you turned on your heel and padded down the starlight dotted hallway. Thinly stretched shadows of towering oaks followed you across the den as you hastily moved through the house.

"Your date know you're married?"

The moment his voice hit your ears your legs refused to work, as if his presence was enough to bolt you to the ground like a monument frozen in time. His footsteps bounced off the floor as he stepped down and took a seat on the couch, crossing his ankle over his knee and spreading his arms across the back. This was it, the moment, the inevitable crash, and you weren't ready in the slightest. To feel nothing in the eye of the storm was defeat in its own, indifference was a win and sorrow placed you last. It was hard to decipher why your heart was suddenly bouncing around your chest like a wild beast. Was it his words or his proximity? Did it matter? Regardless of the catalyst, the end result was the complete termination of every thought that had crossed your mind. Endless nights spend cradling this unfinished conversation had utterly vanished within seconds.

_[Hardened, tarnished steel.]_

Clenching your fist you turned to face him head on, racing towards a cliff with no parachute, but that's all you had. Brushing the bangs away from your face you fixated your gaze directly into his eyes, blue-grey gemstones igniting in impatience as he waited for your rebuttal. No one else would catch the rifting emotion unless they knew where to look, how to dive past that bullshit frown and narrowed gaze. For you, it was a spotlight cutting through every ounce of your own bullshit, there were no barriers anymore. To be open and raw from the inside out was terrifying and you were done living in fear.

"Am I?"

He sat quietly for a moment as his eyes dropped down your body before flitting back up to catch your hardened stare. With the gentleness of a lion he raised his left hand and twisted it slightly so a sliver of gold caught against the dim light from the fireplace. The ring, _his ring_ , clung to his finger with a fresh coat of polish that made it shimmer between the shadows.

_[Steel can melt.]_


	2. Two

“So, tell me about the man trying to fuck my wife.”

His tenner railed into you like a comet and struck fire to every inch of your skin. Responding in any fashion other than silence would be the second shot heard round the world, so you kept your lips tighter than a magnet to steel. He struck like a viper hard and fast in order to break you, but you had armor crafted from steel and from years of dragging yourself away from his memories. His ignorance in calling you by a title that used to give you butterflies made your jaw lock in place; he knew why you no longer wore your ring. Shadows cast by empty bar stools and marble counters thinned against the floor as the moon shifted away from the window and faded behind the trees leaving the pair of you eclipsed in darkness. His fingers threaded into themselves as he reached his arms up and cracked his knuckles, but his eyes remained cemented to your face. Gracefully he placed his arm back over the couch and set the other one down on the cushion, lithe fingers tapping in unison on the seat beside him. 

Your stomach bounced to your throat and nearly made you heave the wine you’d consumed earlier in the day. His game was confusing, being able to read him was your most prized accomplishment even before he promised his heart to you but now it was like looking at a stranger for the very first time. Your legs stiffened even though your brain was screaming to move forward, but your heart remained as silent as the grave. Teetering between bolting without a word and throwing yourself at him you watched his jaw tilt upwards as his fingers drummed heavily on the couch. He was baiting you, trying to pull you in to him, but for what? The shrill ring of your phone broke his concentration and pulled his eyes downward in a sinister glare as if he could disintegrate the iPhone in your hand with his hardened stare.

“I’ve got somewhere to be.”

Grinding your fingernails into the hospital’s weathered sheets you tried desperately to drown out Levi’s parting words. Maybe he’d like to know about the few single nights you’d spent wrapped in a strangers arms with your eyes closed and head spinning from too much vodka. Those men were the type he hated, the ones who used their charm and smile to get a woman in bed, so you targeted them until you could no longer stand yourself. Out of all the men Levi could have asked about he found himself wondering about the only male who saw you as a person, as a doctor. Maybe you’d tell him that but was there a point when in reality you saw nobody’s face but his? That even if you bumped into one of them you wouldn’t even notice because to you they just remained faceless blobs hovering above you like a gnat in the summer heat. Would he even care? 

Guessing what he was thinking was completely out of the question now. His train of thought was no longer written in a language you understood, and that burned worse than acid but he wasn’t yours to understand anymore. The Levi you had loved would have never left you in such a cold and unfeeling manner. That man with the golden ring and dark tenor was a stranger, they were all strangers. He had remained deadly quiet when you spun on your heel and whispered it was the hospital calling as you fled towards the front door, somehow you felt he needed to know you weren’t going back to the comfort of another man. As you scurried to your car fresh tears pricked the corner of your eyes while your heart dropped to the floor. It wasn’t his words or his tone that made your chest feel as though vines were sliding around your lungs and squeezing them until they popped. It wasn’t the sight of him wearing his spotless wedding band as if it meant anything to him. It was you. 

[I still love you..]

Darkness flecked with silver had drenched the heavens when you entered the hospital, but by the time you set down your instruments and peeled off the blood soaked gown the sun had lit the earth on fire with pink and orange streaks. Surgery was the only place of solace you had where Levi’s existence took a backseat to the rest of the world, however the moment you walked out of the operating room the past came back in fleeting and exhausting moments like an old movie on repeat. Depleted of all energy you slipped into the on call rooms and plummeted into the faded blue comforter with your hands dug deep in your hair hoping to pass out into a dreamless slumber. Unfortunately, you could do nothing but toss and turn despite the pure lassitude from performing a six hour procedure. Nothing felt right anymore, not that it ever did after he left, but you’d managed to find shreds of hope here and there as time waged on. A rigid routine and a glaring focus on perfecting your skills were the only things you had left in this cruel world. 

[Work. Sleep. Work. Sleep]

Staring blankly at the ceiling you met your anxiety with a sour disposition, everything you’d tried to forget seem to be creeping up on you all at once. Tossing your phone to the floor you rolled on your side, buried your face in your pillow and screamed until your lungs gave out. The home you’d grown to both love and despise finally sold which meant you had three days to clear out the rickety piece of shit you were forced to live in. The neighborhood was terrible, broken, and full of lost souls half-living in sin and crime. Hidden in the center of a beat up cul-de-sac the old house sat holding memories you wished would wash away with the rain. The cracked sidewalk leading up to the house was where you first met Isabel and the outdated kitchen was where Levi first kissed you. 

You’d fallen in love with him on the tattered roof beneath the light of the moon, when it was just both of you talking for hours about escaping the hell of the neighborhood. He taught you how to steal from cars parked on the side of the road and you taught him how to pick locks using your patio door as practice. Farlan’s bloodstain remained in crimson splatters near the front door from when he and your brother got into a fight after school with your father. Everything happened there and everything died there. That house was why you were all alone. You hated it so much you almost burned it to the ground the first time you saw it after your brother died. Burning it still seemed like the best option but Kenny wouldn’t allow it, it was part of your ‘partnership’. His money, his decisions.

Forcing yourself from the bed you padded towards the attached bathroom and flicked the water on with your shaking hands. Running your fingers beneath the cold water you tried to swallow the growing blockade in your throat. Patting a damp towel across your face you glanced upwards at the person in the mirror plagued with exhaustion and tangled hair. Resisting the urge to slam your fist through the glass you pushed your palms off the edge of the sink and inhaled deeply before carding your fingers between your tresses until they rested gently against your shoulders. After retrieving your things from your locker you pushed the glass door open and slid your hands into the pocket of your jacket. Rose tinted streaks melded with the fire like colors of the sunrise as a soft wind blew sea salt through the air from the coast. Morning symbolized a fresh start, a new beginning, but to you it was a pathway to a time warp that gave made your stomach churn.

Catching a fleeting glance at a blur of freckles and a wide toothed grin you ducked your head low and half-jogged to your car praying Marco wouldn’t notice you. As much as you enjoyed the blank slate accompanied with your new job there was little you felt like talking about today, especially with Marco. He hadn’t been on call last night which left you to focus on your work rather than a second excuse for leaving in the middle of your date, but you still felt terrible. He was the kind of man you find and keep forever. Because he was the type of man who would stay forever. How would you even explain yourself to a soul so pure and gentle?

[How about ‘Oh by the way I’m married technically’]

Shoving the key into the ignition you hauled ass out of the parking lot, barely making it pass the red lights as you sped through the side streets. Muscle memory guided you down the decaying roads full of crumbling buildings and overgrown lawns. Dogs barked loudly as a fair warning from their half-broken iron fences and cop cars littered the streets knowing full well how the inhabitants of this area made their money. Gulping down what felt equivalent to a mound of sand lodged in your throat you pressed onward until a familiar street name made you step on the break abruptly. Idling beneath the bent and marred street sign you gazed at the house mournfully and wondered who in their right mind would want to buy it that crap heap. 

[You are steel—that house is just paper. Go.] 

Ignoring the neighboring house two over from yours you pressed lightly on the gas until the car reached the oil stained driveway. The door to the attached garage had been replaced since you were last here and the two broken windows had been fixed, but there was no hiding the slanting roof and chipped paint along the walls. Hanging from the rusted door knob was a thick padlock and chain, presumably Kenny’s suggestion, which meant you’d have to pull a dusty old trick from your youth and break into your old bedroom window. Kenny had clearly failed to mention he added a gigantic padlock even though he was the one who let you know the house finally sold, but it honestly wasn’t that surprising in the least. That man never got tired of fucking with you. If he would have died from that bullet wound he probably would have haunted you just for the sake of being a dick. 

Pursing your lips together you exited the car and weaved through the overgrown weeds and chunks of wood left over from the neighbors tree they’d cut down a few months ago. The summer sun beat down on your hooded figure as you skated around the side of the house until you got to the newly painted picket fence outlining the dirt covered excuse of a backyard. The few times your mother had her head together she forcibly argued with your father until he put in a white picket fence. A few months later she’d completely forgotten about its existence and drove the beat up station wagon right through it. Kenny, Levi, and Farlan had taken it upon themselves to fix what they could but the majority of the posts remained splintered and chipped. Pushing the rickety gate open you quickly walked along the back of the house kicking empty beer cans and old cigarette butts out of your way until you reached your old window. Beneath the dusted glass lay two scratch marks barely visible to the naked eye but to you they were as vivid as a neon sign. Running your thumb against the scraped metal an overwhelming sense of dejection paraded through your veins, two simple letters that had molded the entire world you allowed as your safe haven. ‘___ A’—a promise you’d take his name surname and be set free from your own.

Crushing your tongue between your teeth you yanked your keys from your pocket and shoved the old house key underneath the ledge that framed the window until you heard a familiar pop. Lost in the anger swelling up inside your head like a hot air balloon you made a mistake you hadn’t made in nearly thirteen years. The minute your hands chucked the bottom half of the window upward like you were trying to toss the glass into outer space a heap of dirt cascaded from the window, utterly caking you in ancient dust. Cursing under your breath you squeezed your eyes shut and ran your fingers down the sides of your cheeks and bridge of your nose until you felt partially dirt free. Flicking your head upside down you shook the remaining dirt out of your hair and slowly opened your eyes, blinking rapidly in hopes gravity would pull any lurking filth from your eyelashes. Eyeing the old house with a vicious snarl you pulled yourself up and over the ledge until your palms reached the ground. Without thinking you walked forward on your splayed out hands and allowed your bent legs to glide down the archaic wallpaper until your knees hit the ground.

Your bangs swayed in front of your face, breath heaving from the sudden anxiety that had dropped out of nowhere. Nothing but silence and shaded black greeted you, even with the glowing rays of the sun casting in through the streaked and grimy windows the house remained under a blanket of darkness. Scratches had braided themselves with the old wooden floors, each one of them telling a different story. Leaning your forehead down onto the floor you watched your breath coast against the dingy floorboards, back and forth, in and out. 

[One..two..one..two]

With a final exhale you pushed yourself up to your feet and laced your fingers around the edge of your jacket like you used to when your mom would lock herself in her room for days while your dad was off scoring again. Isabel used to make fun of your makeshift security blanket, but she understood your hands needed to be busy which is when she introduced you to cigarettes at fifteen. Levi was livid, but you were quick to point out the taste of his own tobacco constantly idled on his tongue when he kissed you. He frowned like a toddler losing his favorite toy but he left you alone with your vice for a few years. A century could pass and you would still be able to smell the faint aroma of his favorite menthol brand lingering in the faded wallpaper, he spent nearly all his life holed up in this room making sure you’d survive another day. The old brass twin bed you and Levi managed to break the night of your sixteenth birthday had been pushed against the wall, its concave center mimicking Levi’s consistent frown. It made you smile, for a minute, until it made your fists clench so hard your knuckles grew pale.

You had emptied your room when you left with Levi but the furniture remained in case your brother needed it afterwards. The sudden thought of him made your heart compress into itself, even as you coerced yourself forward the room’s size became smaller and smaller until you could barely breathe. Darting past the bed and dust caked dresser you stumbled blindly down the narrowed hall until you found the door to his old room. Fire hot tingles pricked every inch of your skin as you edged slowly towards the entrance. The hole from your father’s fist had been patched up but the difference in wood color was noticeable, at least it was to you. Threading your fingers up the back of your neck you closed your eyes and toed the door open, wincing at the deafening creak of the old hinges. 

This was the day you had been dreading since you’d gotten the phone call, the clarity of that scene came in so crisp it felt like it happened yesterday. There was oatmeal getting cold on your breakfast bar and that TV show you’d binge watched for three days straight had been playing in the background; you muted it when your phone rang. Two piles of laundry had been taking up your couch for a week so you’d taken refuge on the floor, studying for a new procedure you were supposed to help with that night. Dish soap and detergent were on your grocery list, hence the laundry, but you’d decided against going out since the weather was shit and so was your mood. Then you answered that call and everything came to a screeching halt. His life was cut short, snuffed out by what you’d left behind and you’d never managed to let go of that guilt. You’d begged him not to stay in this house, to find a better place but he called it home and was old enough to remember the days before dad lost his job and mom lost her mind.

Levi promised he’d protect him, promised that he had nothing to do with your affairs. Maybe he was right but you’d never know who it was, the shooter was never caught. All they left was a bullet and shattered glass. Levi didn’t know what happened, still didn’t as far as you knew, and he’d already left you to fend for yourself but it wouldn’t have mattered. He wasn’t here when the cruelest of fates had befallen your brother, he was off somewhere with Farlan and Isabel, gone forever. He’d disappeared after a phone call and so had Adam, they’d both sunk into nothingness leaving you to pick up a thousand little pieces scattered across this city.

[Alone.] 

Gradually allowing your eyelids to flutter upwards you chewed the corner of your lip as you glanced around the room sporadically. The carpet had so many stains it looked like a dotted pattern and the wallpaper had been decaying for years. Strips of ugly yellow glue hung in globs from where it had completely fallen to waste but along the single wall near the window were strings and strings of polaroids. Walking hesitantly towards the hanging pictures you carefully searched over every line, a thankful sigh escaping your lips when you realized none of these were his old works from when you both lived here. You recognized most of the places but barely any of the people in them, Adam was in a few but they were mostly in hole-in-the-wall bars and a couple on the beach. 

[You were always steel. Bright, shining steal]

He was obsessed with that camera, claimed he’d be the best photographer the city would ever see. When dad got pissed he’d throw Adam’s camera at the wall but Adam never got angry, he’d bite his tongue then make his way towards your room and scream into your pillow. He always knew when Levi was hiding in the closet, he was like a bloodhound. Eventually Levi stopped caring and felt more compelled to protect you so Adam could leave for a better life. Slinking your hands over the pictures you took a mental inventory of the few items your money-hungry aunt hadn’t sold after he was put in the ground. His bed remained as well as everything in his dresser; the TV had been taken but his stand where he kept his stash remained untouched. Not that she’d have the brains to find the false bottom considering the stand looked like it would fall apart if a feather fell upon it. In the corner a few empty boxes had been stacked neatly with a tiny note taped to the top. Raising your brow you padded forward and snatched the yellow paper from the top of the box and squinted at the chicken scratch writing.

 

“Thought you might need some help miss doctor  
-Kenny”

An age old feeling crept up on you, something smelled like bullshit. Crinkling the paper in your fist you tossed it over your shoulder and peered guardedly into the top box half expecting a soiled gun and an ‘I.O.U’ sticky note to be at the bottom. Your shoulders dropped the moment you realized the box was empty, maybe Kenny really did just want to help. But, that wasn’t exactly his style. He never did anything nice for you without it somehow coming back to bite you in the ass. Warily you grabbed the box and set it on the bed, unsure of what to even start packing. You wanted to keep everything, you barely had the strength to get up some mornings and there was no way in hell you’d be able to throw out anything of your brother’s even if it was just scraps of useless paper. Pushing your hair back you secured it in a low bun and walked towards the wall lined with pictures. One by one the last of his life was piled in neat stacks in a cardboard box and pushed to the corner, the word ‘Polariods’ scribbled in thick black marker on top.

The sun disappeared behind milk white clouds as you worked through his room with the soft sound of music wafting from your phone. Finding his first edition book collection hidden behind a stack of porn magazines made you laugh, of course your money hungry family wouldn’t dare touch something so vile. Adam was smart, smarter than you sometimes, without ever speaking to you he managed to ensure everything valuable and worth saving was left to you. His camera was hidden beneath a loose floorboard along with his two guns and the title to his car, and his bank information rested beneath the false bottom in the warped TV stand. Quiet piano music danced along the walls as you piled boxes full of memories outside the door and soon nothing was left besides the bare bed and dresser. Grabbing a broom from the hall closet you lazily swept dust bunnies and heaps of lint from every crevice until a pile of mushy brown dirt and loose change appeared in the center of the room.

Wiping the sweat from your brow you leaned the broom against the wall and crossed your arms over your chest, eyes fleeting around the room in case you missed anything. The tarnished brass doorknob attached to the skinny closet door flickered momentarily as a thin cloud passed over the sun. That bullshit excuse of a closet was the only escape you ever had when you were younger. You and Adam would sneak into the narrow open space when your parents started fighting to block out the noise. He’d tell you ghost stories and you’d bury your face in your hands only to have his harmonic laugh bring you out from your shell. Heart beating rapidly you walked forward until your hand hovered over the doorknob, teeth biting down on the inside of your cheek. 

[Like a bandaid..]

On a thick inhale you yanked the door open roughly and closed your eyes as if a monster was waiting inside ready to attack. Opening one eye you glanced around the darkened space until your hands found the corroded light switch hanging from the ceiling. An off white light haloed the room, barely illuminating it enough for you to see the mountains of pictures piled high enough to reach your shoulders. Stepping forward you peeked at the first stack but the picture had been blocked by a white sheet of paper with the year ‘2015’ written in bold red. Side stepping you checked each stack as the years dwindled down clockwise until they reached the third wall. The last pile barely reached your ankles but there was nothing barring you from viewing the picture on the very top. Feeling your heart sink your legs gave way and sent you plummeting to the floor. Shakily you picked up the picture and raked your eyes over every trivial detail, etching it in the back of your mind if the day ever came where you could look back without wanting to scream.

Isabel had her arm around you and a cigarette in her mouth, Farlan was behind her with his arms draped over her head and his chin was digging into her cherry red hair. Levi had his hand interlaced with yours with his profile turned towards the camera. Adam had caught all of you sitting outside on the curb the week before graduation, originally it had just been you and Levi sitting with your hands interlocked talking about your future until Farlan and Isabel bombarded you with a stolen bottle of liquor. Little did you know he had a box with a ring inside his pocket, but he didn’t propose that night. He waited until after your caps were thrown in the air and the rest of your high school class had gone off to celebrate with family. He’d lovingly pulled you into his old black mustang and drove off right after the ceremony, windows down and music blasting. Beneath the pier with a blanket over the sand and under your bodies with the cool ocean waves lapping at your feet he slipped the ring on your finger as his hips rutted against your own. He didn’t need to ask to know your answer, he was yours and you were his. 

“You alright?”

Letting out a surprised squeak you spun around with your hand reaching into your jacket pocket for the butterfly knife you habitually carried.

“Fuck! Farlan what the hell you almost made me shit myself.”

Breathing a sigh of relief you hid the picture behind your back as the blonde leaned his shoulder against the door frame with a knowing smirk on his face. He apologized while his eyes scoured the emptied room before returning to you and the arm you had twisted behind your back. Quirking a brow he pushed off the frame and walked towards you with a questioning look gracing his features. 

“Whatcha got there?” 

“Don’t act like we’re friends Farlan.”

“Hey. A lot went on that we couldn’t control. You know Levi wanted nothing more than to make sure you were safe and now you’re working for Kenny? Why would you get yourself back here and into that shit when you busted your ass to crawl out of it?”

“That’s none of your business.” 

“If you miss him just talk to him, we came back for a reason to y’know. I don’t get why you’re playing this game, you didn’t sign the divorce papers so clearly you still—“

“I didn’t know he sent divorce papers.”

[Don’t melt]

“Shit ____ I—“

“Why are you here Farlan.”

Farlan’s ice blue eyes widened as he dropped his hands onto your shoulders. Every ounce of flesh on your body had fallen numb; even as he embraced you with the kindest of intentions you felt nothing but a rising burn in the pit of your stomach. Releasing the old picture from your fingertips you watched it flutter face down onto the floor. It pulled the remaining patches of your armor to the ground alongside it as the ceiling caved and buried you in white hot nothing. The surreal feeling of complete loss engulfed you like fire, whirling and scarring you inside and out.

“You should go. I have shit to do.”

With a hardened look of vehemence you shoved Farlan off you and turned your attention to the peeling wallpaper. Tapping your foot against the floor you watched Farlan idle awkwardly from the corner of your eye until soft footfalls broke the silence. Isabel’s bright eyes popped around the corner, instantly narrowing in concern upon feeling the overbearing tension in the room. She eyed the fallen picture by your feet then switched her focus to Farlan who had his left hand cradling his forehead and eyes downcast to the scratched floor.

“Hey..is everything alright?”

“It’s perfect.”

Isabel twitched at your acidic tone and she shot Farlan a look of apprehension before stepping into the room. Groaning you turned away from them and grabbed the last empty box from the corner hoping they’d get the hint. Wordlessly you dragged the box to the closet, plopped down on your ass and began carefully placing the old pictures at the bottom of the box without a single glance at the faded memories; you’d had enough nostalgia for one day. Footsteps faded in the background while the vibration of a second pair rang up your shins. Isabel’s perfume undulated beneath your nose, roses and mint, some things never change. Her soft hands wrapped themselves around your own, forcing you to drop the heap of pictures onto the floor. 

“Why didn’t you tell us about Adam?”

“What was I supposed to do? Call the invisible number I didn’t have? You left, even Kenny wasn’t picking up my phone calls until he showed up out of the blue two months later like Mary fucking Poppins.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Kenny with an umbrella..”

“Stop trying to make me laugh. I hate you.”

“Shut up, you love me. And Farlan..and”

“Don’t say it.” 

Her button nose crested your cheek as she pulled you into a tight hug that nearly crushed your ribs. For a thin girl she had always been abnormally strong, both mentally and physically, you envied her. Slumping back into her chest you allowed the unfiltered warmth of her presence cascade over you until it began to ebb away the lightning strike of pain Farlan had brought upon you earlier. Everything had begun to jumble up the minute you stepped into that godforsaken mansion to pull a bullet out of Kenny’s ass. He never told you how he found you, never mentioned if he still had contact with any of them and you’d grown to accept that. You’d been longing for any semblance of an explanation, a tiny sliver of detail to shed some light on how the hell it all ended so chaotically fucked up but now each little tidbit of information skewed everything further. It was like looking through a kaleidoscope, there was a clear picture at the end but you had to keep twisting and twisting through marred bullshit to get to it. 

Why would he send divorce papers and keep his ring? Where the fuck did those papers go? Did they get lost for seven years or did he just lie to keep up appearances? Why did it even matter it had been seven god damn years since he dipped out like you were a one night stand. Breathing in the scent of her perfume you unhooked Isabel’s arms from your waist and twisted your body to face her. She sat cross-legged on the floor, her hair had grown down to her shoulders, she looked beautiful. Absentmindedly running your hands across your thighs you opened your mouth to speak until a familiar mop of jet black hair appeared in the doorway. 

“I need your help.”

“With what? Do you know how to vaporize or something? I didn’t even hear you come in!”

“Not you Isabel, I need ___. Farlan keeps loosing feeling in his hand but he won’t admit it. I think his shitty nerve is acting up again.”

[I still love you…]

“Okay.”

Nodding slightly Levi spun on his heel and walked away from the closet, heart rapidly beating against his chest. His mouth felt like cracked sand in the desert as his fingers clutched the forgotten photo he’d slid up his sleeve. This house, this neighborhood, that look of complete hatred painted on your face sent a thousand knots into his stomach. Spinning the golden ring on his finger he walked briskly out the door towards his own house which had somehow managed to sell the same day as yours. Kenny wouldn’t shut up until all three of them agreed to clean it out today, and now he partially understood why he was so adamant about it. Levi knew if there was one thing Kenny was good at it was playing puppet master while everyone else scrambled to figure out what the hell he was planning.


	3. Three

[Love…]

Some say love fades just as quickly as it blossoms. Logically, this is the closest thing to a solid truth, but there are others who believe love is infinite and boundless. A true blessing cast upon this world to pull light from the shadows flooding the veins of the wicked that walk together with the kind. If love at its true form is a singular rope that stretches across the world and through the universe tying two people together for an eternity then it stands to reason the bond becomes unbreakable. Yet, there are blades throwing themselves onto the tethered line trying to break it apart at the seams. What happens when the knives are tossed by the lovers themselves? Will the ethereal and mythical bond that people label ‘true love’ withstand the test of time, the fire scorching from above and below as the world spins on and on? There is nothing logical about love itself, but the pain and desolation it can bring is catastrophically real. 

There was a streak of blue that used to cross Levi’s eyes when he’d look at you, and only you. As he aged his eyes grew darker, nearly onyx, but that azure spec undulated within the pools of gunmetal grey. It was minor, almost transparent, but you caught it even with the terrible lighting capering from the dusty lamp in the corner of your living room. His back stiffened as the door to your house slammed shut. Pebbled dirt skated across the empty asphalt as your shoes scuffed against the sidewalk. His house was as rutty as yours was, but apparently someone had bought it as well. These two separate families would soon inhabit houses not even fifty feet from each other and would never know how intricately connected they were. How they built a world from ash and stone just to watch it crumble. 

Dry dirt caked the edge of the sidewalk leading up to Levi’s old house and the grass hadn’t been cut in months. His fingers twitched at his sides as Isabel rambled on about wanting to take a longer break from cleaning. Anxiety left pricks in your arms and legs as you stared intently at the ground below your feet. Levi’s eyes knocked back behind his shoulder for a millisecond before he stopped completely. Isabel teetered on the concrete steps and reached for the door handle but instead her fingers slammed into the white iron screen. She flinched at the sound and pulled her reddened hand back towards her chest with a snarl. If it weren’t for the noise you would have smacked right into Levi’s back. 

He glanced at Isabel for what seemed like an eternity and then she was gone. The door cracked against the unbalanced hinges as it shut with an earsplitting thud. Every nerve in your body was hyper-sensitive to the touch and even the now fading sun seemed to burn your skin from a million miles away. Awkwardly shifting your weight you wrapped your hands across your stomach and gripped at your elbows. He was staring again but his whole body had spun in the course of two seconds. There was nothing but empty street and air behind you yet it felt as though he’d trapped you in a steel corner. Unwilling to feel inferior you lifted your gaze and tried to drown out the heavy thumping of your heart. He shifted and his bangs swayed across his forehead, he’d stepped forward without you noticing. The air felt like an iced dagger as you inhaled and it smelled just like him. 

“I’m sorry about your brother.”

“I’ve got nothing to say to you.” 

His mouth starched at your tone and your fists clenched against your sides. A swath of dizziness coasted over your body and cast your weight sideways. His hands reached for you, but they felt like a stranger’s. Instead you gripped his wrists to steady yourself and shoved them back towards his stomach the moment the world ceased its nauseating spin. Wind ripped sullied patches of dry grass from the corner of the yard and flung it across your old tennis shoes as an ominous cluster of slate grey clouds seeped their way overhead. Your hands wound their way up your neck and landed below your hairline, nails digging crescent rings in the skin below your nape. He swallowed thickly and turned on his heel towards the silent house as he cast a glance at the obscuring sky.

“A fucking phone call, a fucking phone call Levi.” 

Your teeth clenched and his shoulders toughened beneath his light green hoodie. A crack of lightening lit up the neighborhood and cut the violet sky in half.

“I thought you had nothing to say.”

“Better late than never right?” You laughed between your words. “I mean you didn’t have to say much to end our marriage, hell our entire relationship. Eight god damn years together! That’s longer than most people stay married Levi and all I get is a lousy phone call in the middle of the night right before I finish my undergrad? You couldn’t have waited until I started med school that way I had something to focus on while my entire life fell apart and you fucked off into the sunset for seven years without a word?”

“There’s more to it than y—“

“I am so fucking sick of hearing that. If there’s so much more then please take a seat and tell me what exactly I did to make you disappear without a trace. Was Furlan actually in an accident or was that just an excuse? Am I going to your house chalked full of memories that make me hate you just to look at a fake injury that helped you skip the fuck out on me?”

Your stomach nearly heaved as thunder rumbled through the ground and shook the earth beneath your feet. Levi’s chest rose steadily and fell even faster as rain drops lightly pattered around your heated bodies. The blood in your veins felt so close to fire you half expected steam to billow up from your skin. 

“It wasn’t supposed to end this way.” He breathed.

“If it was going to end then why did we get married? Why do you have that damn ring on your finger?”

“Because you’re still my wife.”

[I hate when you say that..]

He slated that word out like it would be his last. Hearing it in his voice almost knocked the air from your lungs, he said it like he meant it. Lips parted and chest rising he glanced down at your empty hands and squeezed his nails into his palms. There was no hesitation in his anger, no question about the irony of it all when he glared at your naked finger like you’d tossed the ring into the garbage disposal after a lover’s spat. Nothing was lining up correctly and it drove you insane. Every question was met with a straightforward answer that still managed to be exceedingly vague. He had a knack for that even if he wasn’t doing it on purpose. Navigating his thought process was like playing chess on a minefield. Emotions were not his strong suit but there was nothing less than a mile long path of construed emotion chaotically tangled like wires. Nothing could get resolved until they were separated. 

The crystalline raindrops sporadically falling to the earth turned thick and heavy. They exploded like tiny atom bombs around you. A nearly translucent fog skidded across the dampened sidewalk as the wind kicked up loose rocks and cracked thin branches off the clump of dying trees separating Levi’s house from his neighbor’s. Leaden thunder shook the ground and its partner in crime followed milliseconds after with a blinding zap of lightening bright enough to illuminate the entire street in white. 

“Can you guys wrap up this little reunion before one of you gets knocked out by a tree?” Furlan called from the door. “I know the storm makes a really great ambiance for this dramatic moment but I’d rather not have to deal with the mess if one of you happens to get pummeled by an uprooted tree or a rogue syringe needle since we all know that shit is abundant in this crap hole of a neighborhood.”

Both of you ceased fire and looked up at Furlan with a look of fervid annoyance, but he was right. Holding his hands up defensively Furlan side stepped back into the house. Rivulets of frosted water dripped down the ends of your hair and neck leaving you shivering beneath the icy path they carved on your skin. Goosebumps pebbled beneath your coat and t-shirt as you stared at Levi’s profile. His own skin had dampened but the paleness contrasted against the inky backdrop of the storm, he practically glowed. Rolling his palms over the hood of his jacket he flung it forward and nodded towards the front door of his house as a gigantic branch flew over your head and smacked into the neighbor’s car. 

“Shit.” You hissed glancing back at your own house.

“Get inside.” 

His voice always dropped when he was on edge and wanted something done immediately. The hair on the back of your neck rose as a third clap of thunder jarred the solid ground around you, shaking it like a snow globe ready to fall from a shelf. More dirt and trash circled the cul-de-sac as the wind’s strength escalated until you felt it pushing you towards the propped open door. Without a word Levi snatched your wrist and pulled you behind him until the tip of your shoe hit the cement step. Biting your tongue you steadied yourself as streetlights flickered off and on until completely succumbing to the storm. Jet black shadows stretched over the circle of houses with an ominous sound of howling wind and rattling windows. Your feet moved quickly up the steps—with help from Levi’s impatience and strength—and before you knew it you were standing in the center of his living room, shivering. Sickly green carpet ran from the front door to the kitchen and deep into the hallway and the yellow shaded sconces usually flickered every time it rained. The power had collapsed the moment you stepped in the door and Furlan was already busying himself with candles while holding a small flashlight between his teeth. 

Kenny had mentioned he’d rented out the old house after Furlan’s physical therapy was completed. Levi was supposed to move back to your shared apartment across the country but instead he’d called you on a night like this when the wind raked against the windows and rain drenched the earth. Those words rang in your ears as Levi brushed passed you towards the kitchen. Isabel launched down the hallway and threw a ragged patchwork blanket across your shoulders, her hand nearly knocking you in the teeth. 

“Where did you find that nasty thing?” Levi huffed as he rummaged through the kitchen drawers. “It’s filthy get that off her.”

“It’s fine.” You snapped.

Opposing him was the only way to keep your head away from memories laced in every fiber of this house. They surrounded you like phantoms with their claws digging at your brain; they wanted in, they wanted you to melt into the ground. The wallpaper had been ripped and replaced with a beige paint that muddled the walls a sickly color even shrouded in darkness. Furlan glanced at you before strolling down the hall with a cheeky whistle. Levi slammed the drawer shut and mumbled something incoherent beneath his breath before returning to the living room. His eyes narrowed at the blue cresting your lips from the frigid rain that’d completely soaked your clothes and hair.

“You’re going to freeze to death in those clothes. Go change.”

“Fuck off you’re not my keeper. I’m supposed to be looking at Furlan’s hand anyways.”

“You can’t be helpful if you’re a solid rock of ice. Stop being an idiot and go put some damn clothes on that aren’t seeping dirty rain water into my carpet.”

“I said I’m fine for now. I’m not planning on staying.”

“You’re not leaving in this storm. Take your shoes and socks off and sit your ass down on the couch while I go find clothes for you.”

You opened your mouth to retort but immediately closed it. Muscle memory—probably, the tone he used was one you’d learned not to challenge regardless of how irritated his words made you. Isabel chuckled low in her throat before pounding her chest with her palm in a terrible attempt to hide the fact that she was laughing. She always laughed when you both fought over something ridiculous, moreover when you gave in to Levi’s demands solely to avoid an endless confrontation that would more often than not solely contain sarcasm and scowls. Your hands felt like ice against the recycled air of the old house but it felt less stale and morose than your house had. Random pieces of furniture were sprawled in the living room haphazardly but it was enough to keep you all comfortable until the storm let up. A neatly stacked row of boxes lined the wall near the door with black marker scribbled along the sides. Each of their names appeared once or twice, apparently they’d been storing more here than you thought. 

Sinking into the faded blue couch you crossed your arms over your chest and leaned your head against the cushion. Furlan’s whistle echoed along the hallway as he reappeared with a brown bottle in his left hand while his right hung loosely at his hip. His mouth twitched slightly as his bare knuckles scraped against the corner accidentally as he rounded his way to the living room. With an agitated frown you straightened your back and motioned him towards you. Furlan merely smirked; he never really took your ‘angry face’ seriously. He placed the bottle of whisky down on the cheap wooden coffee table and plopped down on the couch next to you. Isabel had flopped on her stomach and was messing with her phone beneath her black hoodie, green eyes radiating like a gemstone beneath the illuminated screen.

“Isabel what the hell are you doing over there? You look like someone just killed your dog.”

“Fucking candy crush! I can’t get past this level!” 

“Your eyes are going to fall out of your head if you keep wasting hours on that damn game.” Furlan replied with a heavy sigh. “Why don’t you go do something useful like find more candles or alcohol.”

“A bottle between the four of us isn’t enough?” 

Furlan gawked at you as if you’d grown two heads.

“Have you gone soft on us ___? All that work give you bitch liver?” 

“I seem to recall out of the two of us the minute you drank too much you were face down ass up on the sidewalk.” You replied with a wicked grin. “Or throwing up in the back of Levi’s mustang.”

“THAT WAS YOU!” Isabel shouted as she jumped up to her knees. “Levi blamed me for that for FOUR YARNS..YEILD…YEARS! Fuck.”

“See what I mean Izzy?” Furlan snorted, eyes crinkling above his wide smile “That game is rotting your brain. Go check the stash you thought me and Levi didn’t know about under that loose floorboard.” 

Isabel’s eyes thinned, a trait she picked up from Levi, but her flickering emerald hues did nothing but incite a bigger smile to crest Furlan’s face as he let out another chuckle. Your trained eyes picked up on the subtle twitches beneath the pale skin of his injured hand, and unfortunately those minuscule movements were only present on his thumb and forefinger. His scar blended well with his pale complexion but with a single bolt of lightning stretching across the house the raised scar marring a single line down the center of his hand lit up like a firework. It was thick and rugged, almost like a path carved out on a mountain by the rain, and it held a pile of answers you’d been dying to know for years. That accident had been the start of everything, the catalyst and the culprit of the spiraling hole you found yourself being drug down without your consent. It was a miracle his entire hand wasn’t sliced off by the glass. 

Memories of that night roared back like a forgotten monster looming in the shadows waiting to strike. The air was soft and still unlike the current tempestuous storm grating through the city. Levi had his arm slung around your waist and nose buried under the dip in the back of your neck. His inhales tickled the skin there but moving was out of the question. Both Levi and yourself had spent grueling hours hunched over books and notes going over every detail of each class until the words singed themselves into your frontal cortex. Finals were hell but you’d managed to scour through nearly all of them together and for the first night in weeks you’d both fallen asleep in each other’s arms. A waning moon had settled itself right above the window leaving trickling lines of pallid white glow stretching across the floor. The golden ring circling your finger glistened beneath the tender light as you ran your forefinger over the smooth metal. His skin smelled like menthol; cigarettes were his one vice you allowed him to take part in during finals. 

Then his phone lit up a patch of empty darkness on the nightstand and roused his heavy eyes open abruptly. At first he groaned and threw the phone against the wall and nuzzled himself back against you; but then your phone rang loudly beneath your pillow. Isabel’s number flashed bold and bright against the shadows as you yanked the object from beneath your head. Something wasn’t right and Levi shot up in sync with the drop of your stomach. Isabel was frantic and her voice involuntarily cracked as she tried to form a coherent sentence. Accident, Furlan, through the windshield, and then there was just sobbing. 

Afterwards Levi cradled you against his chest as he scrolled through the next flights out west. Neither of you slept much. Instead Levi cleaned the apartment from top to bottom while you organized the closet and packed both your suitcases. At some point you’d passed out on the couch and in that time everything had changed.

Levi’s demeanor had shifted drastically; as if he was afraid to look at you. His eyes found random spots to the left or right when he spoke to you and even that was muddled down like he was speaking a ten feet under water. He rigidly informed you he’d be going alone and that you needed to finish your two finals. Your protests fell on deaf ears and eventually his tone cut deep enough make you concede and throw yourself head first into your pillow. He ran his hand up your back and kissed the top of your forehead before he left without another word. That was the last memory you had of him, the last time you touched him, smelled him, felt him.

Everything changed course like a roller coaster flying off the tracks. He only called to give updates on Furlan’s multiple surgeries to his hand and to have you formally suspend his scholarship on his behalf. He was a few finals away from graduating but he promised he’d come back and finish his finals during the fall semester. Another semester of both of you attending the same college he said, and he almost sounded hopeful. 

On a night similar to the current one with howling winds, heavy rain, and deafening claps of thunder encompassing the small brick building you resided in he called in the middle of the night. Your heart jumped to your throat the minute his picture lit up on your phone. He hadn’t called in nearly a month and you were two weeks away from graduation. Tension riddled the muscles in your fingers as you raised the phone to your ear and rubbed the sleep from the corner of your eye. He spoke calmly, coolly, and emotionless. Four little words as sharp as a dagger—‘This isn’t working anymore’. 

“____! You in there?” 

Furlan’s honey coated voice cut through the static memory but his eyes had shifted from playful to disconcerting. He raised his unscathed hand to your cheek and brushed a single tear to the side. He could see through you like unmarked crystal and it was becoming increasingly difficult to push him off. His ashen blonde hair rested against his forehead as he leaned closer with a welcoming half smile. His natural aura was unintentionally relaxing despite how agitated or upset you became he could always pull you off that mountain. In other moments it was a relief but now it was an unwanted crutch. You’d been teetering on the ledge by yourself for years. There was no point in wasting all the empty strength you’d managed to build around the hollowness of your heart. 

“Catch.” You whispered as you tossed your keys directly at his face. 

His natural instinct was to use his dominant hand—the scarred one. He hissed in pain and his teeth grated against themselves. Furlan always pushed himself too far. Your keyring impaled his hand as his thumb curled around the jangling metal, but the rest of his fingers didn’t move an inch. Keeping a neutral expression was ingrained into every fiber of your being even during pre-med courses. It was one of the most important tools a doctor needed to use—especially as a surgeon. All patients look at their doctors for answers, for solutions, for something. Furlan was exceptionally good a honing this skill as well—lawyers need the same skill set when it comes to rigid apathy. As a lawyer can see a lie a doctor can see a strong willed patient internally losing their grip to fear of the unknown, of the unexplained. 

[Furlan is melting..]

Levi’s shadow abruptly flitted across the candlelight as he emerged from the hallway with a lump of black material draped over his forearm. Goosebumps prickled down your arms as an involuntary shudder racked your aching muscles. Water dripped from your soaked hair down to your back and left an ice cold trail as the droplets sunk further down your spine. Levi’s face remained unchanged as he tossed the pile of clothing over the couch to your lap. His fingers twitched as they unceremoniously ran themselves beneath your neck and pulled your drenched hair off your nape and up into a bun at the top of your head. The heat from his hands countered the arctic chill of rainwater that had saturated your skin. Fire and ice. 

“Isn’t that sweet.” Furlan teased as Levi backed away from the couch and walked towards the lone chair sitting beneath the window.

“She’s still my wife.”

[I love when you say that…]


End file.
